Years ago, when my marriage was at its messiest, I was not a cleaver. I’m not talking about being like June Cleaver, but rather about the need to unite with my husband.
One of the most important ways that I did not unite with him was in how I chose to align myself with my mom. Unfortunately, I was not just aligning with her, but uniting with her against my husband.
I was not taking this Scripture to heart …
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” —Genesis 2:24 (Darby)
Many translations of the Bible have replaced the word cleave with words like: united, joined, hold fast, etc. But none of these communicate quite so clearly the idea of sticking to our mates like we’re glued to them—the idea behind “cleave.”
There are a lot of things that get in the way of cleaving to our husbands. But I would like to focus on how important it is to cleave by leaving our fathers and mothers—exploring what this looks like. I will do this through the context of my own messy choices from back in the day.
When I was a young wife, I felt the pull to share my marriage struggles with my mom. So after every marriage conflict, I would phone my mom, venting to her about all the horrible ways my hubby had acted. She, in turn, offered up the sympathy and support I was aching for. Often this was in the form
of, “You poor baby! How could that mean old husband of yours say that to you?!”
This left me feeling vindicated, as well as draining me of some of the anger I had felt. I could then resolve the conflict better with my husband. Calmer heads prevailing!
It seemed like a great plan to me! And, based on results, it was. But the end never justifies the means!
Here are four problems that resulted from this faulty approach …
4 Problems that Resulted from a Faulty Approach
1. It served to corrupt my mother’s view of my husband.
She only heard the horrible things he might have said to me, and never the repentant or humble things he said afterwards. Ironically, that was on backwards and hurtful boundary I kept in place!
I never included her in on the follow-up conversations where resolution and restitution were expressed and given. This meant that all she heard were the negatives, as well as my bitter and distorted perspectives.
2. I was prioritizing her support over offering support to my husband.
Sadly, I wanted to find support, rather than putting on my big girl pants by supporting and maintaining my husband’s dignity and privacy. He never stopped me from running to her, but I’m sure it undermined his sense of being loved and respected by both my mom and me. This only added fuel to the destructive fires burning in our marriage at the time—singeing trust.
3. It created a diversion for learning how to work things out in a healthy way with my husband.
This practice, in essence, allowed me to remain something of a child. As long as I ran after my mother’s support to calm down, I crippled my efforts to calm down without her. Unknowingly, this drove a deeper wedge into my marriage—fracturing it in untold damaging ways.
4. It got in the way of my reliance on God.
In essence, I was idolizing my mother by keeping this practice in place. I should have been learning to run after God to calm my heart and to find the wisdom that only He could provide.
Instead, I looked to my much-too-weak mother to basically carry me through each heartbreak from my marriage conflicts. My spiritual legs were not getting the workout they desperately needed. That my marriage and heart desperately needed!
With that in mind, allow me to share …
3 Key Ways to Leave Your Parents and Cleave to Your Mate
1.Recognize that your allegiance is to your mate above your parents.
This means that your mate should be the one you support first and foremost. Honoring and respecting your mate’s privacy should be your ongoing priority.
This includes not broadcasting your mate’s foibles to anyone, including your kids and most of all your parents. Another aspect is to back up your mate’s choices and your “couple” choices whenever you speak about them to others, your kids and especially to your parents.
If you’ve not committed to shifting your allegiance and focus from your parents to exclusively your mate, then don’t wait another day!
2.Keep your marriage conflicts between you and your mate whenever possible.
Don’t give yourself “the out” of running to one of your parents like I did. As I mentioned above, there are at least four very hurtful problems with that approach.
By the way, I’m not saying you should never share your struggles with your parents. Just avoid sharing marriage struggles, unless it’s after you’ve resolved them with your mate. Then and only then share in a way that respects and never disparages your mate to your parents.
3.When more support and advice is needed, seek it from “objective” mentors.
If you need more support and/or advice, resist turning to your parents to untangle the mess. They are just too close and emotionally invested to see things clearly, nor are they able to remain unbiased. It becomes much too messy to include them on this very private “couple” matter.
If you don’t do this, you risk alienating your spouse from your parents or vice versa. The stakes are just too high!
Instead, turn for counsel to your pastor; a good, godly counselor or life-coach; and/or a mentor from your church.
My husband and I eventually sought the help of a marriage counselor on more than one occasion. And I’m so glad we did! That objective and godly source of support provided the tools and perspective we needed to develop healthy communication strategies and to set healthy boundaries
in our marriage.
In Conclusion..
Moms and dads surely do love us! But the best way to love our mates, as well as keeping our parent’s love for our mates pure, is to emotionally leave our parents and cleave to our spouses.
This is one sure way to keep the hope in our marriage alive!
Prayer:
Father, thank you that you do not leave us to try and figure out married life on our own. We are thankful for the wisdom, conviction, and guidance you offer us through your Holy Spirit. Help us to continually grow in grace and love, so that those same attributes carry over into our marriages. Remind us that there is ALWAYS hope, when you, God, are involved.
In Jesus’ name, amen.
In case you missed the latest in this series, you can get caught up at our Stories of Hope page!!
Beth Steffaniak is a pastor’s wife of 31 years, mom to three adult sons, one daughter-in-law, and one super sweet grandson. She fills up her days with blogging, life-coaching, mentoring, as well as speaking at workshops.
You can find more of her writing and insights at MessyMarriage.com as well as hanging out on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Pinterest.
She also offers 35 resources in a library that is free to subscribers of her blog.
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Linda Stoll says
Hi Beth and Rachel … long after we’ve forgiven and most likely forgotten about incidental challenges with our spouse, all those family members and friends we spilled the beans to will most likely have had their view of him inalterably changed. How sad is that …
And how fabulous is this post!
😉
Beth says
Yes! It’s really tragic, Linda! We don’t think about it as we’re venting to them, but it’s exactly what we’re doing when we poison their minds with our critical and angry words! Thank you for your encouragement, sweet friend!
Ruben Bomati says
I promised Dr Kala to share to the entire public if he could help me to get my ex wife back which prompted me to write this beautiful testimony for the amazing things Dr Kala did for me by getting my ex wife back to me after she filed for a divorce. I love my wife so much and i could not accept the fact that i am loosing her, so i went into research to get some tips on how i could get my wife back and i saw a comment on one of the forum, a lady testifying how she was able to get her ex back by reaching out to Dr Kala and i also contact Dr Kala on email and explain my problem to him and he helped me to get my wife back within 2days and my wife stopped the divorce and return back to me, promising me that she will never leave me again and also beg me to forgive her which i did and right now i am enjoying my marriage and all thanks to Dr Kala the great spell caster who is capable of bringing back ex lover and put an end to your divorce, marriage and relationship problems. You can as well reach out to Dr Kala on email: kalalovespell@gmail. com or WhatsApp +2347051705853
.
Richard Lowe says
Are you in need of help to get your ex back and stop your divorce? I urge you not to cry no more for Dr Kala is the solution to your problem. Dr Kala is a powerful love spell caster who helps in getting ex back and stop divorce. He helped me to get my ex husband back after separation. My Husband packed out to live with his mistress and he sent me divorce papers. I tried all I could to get him back but he refused to return home and I suspected the lady used some magic spell on him to hold him down. I got to know about Dr Kala in a youtube comment where i was looking for help to get my husband back and i contacted him and explain my problem to him and he did the work and my husband return back home after 2 days and he apologies for the pains he put me through and we are living happily together for good. Here is Dr Kala contact Email: kalalovespell@gmail.com or WhatsApp +2347051705853 if you need his help to get your ex back and stop divorce. I will continue sharing this testimony to every platform so that whoever needs to go get his/her ex back should contact Dr Kala and he will help you to get your ex back..
Ruben Bomati says
I promised Dr Kala to share to the entire public if he could help me to get my ex wife back which prompted me to write this beautiful testimony for the amazing things Dr Kala did for me by getting my ex wife back to me after she filed for a divorce. I love my wife so much and i could not accept the fact that i am loosing her, so i went into research to get some tips on how i could get my wife back and i saw a comment on one of the forum, a lady testifying how she was able to get her ex back by reaching out to Dr Kala and i also contact Dr Kala on email and explain my problem to him and he helped me to get my wife back within 2days and my wife stopped the divorce and return back to me, promising me that she will never leave me again and also beg me to forgive her which i did and right now i am enjoying my marriage and all thanks to Dr Kala the great spell caster who is capable of bringing back ex lover and put an end to your divorce, marriage and relationship problems. You can as well reach out to Dr Kala on email: kalalovespell@gmail. com or WhatsApp +2347051705853
Michele Morin says
Naturally, I pinned this, but I also want to add that we are working SO HARD on this with our own kids, urging them to be fully present for their wives–and telling our d-i-l’s that if ever they need to vent about their husbands, we are SO there for them! Thanks for the way you went at this from the “don’t” perspective. It’s very powerful.
Beth says
I know you’ve got this kind of scenario working in all sorts of directions, Michele. And I’m glad you found it to be helpful! I’ll be praying for you and your family as it grows larger and larger. In-law and adult child to parent relationships can be quite the challenge, but it sounds like you are coming at it proactively and wisely! Thanks for encouraging me!
Gleniece says
This is THE best marriage advice, Beth. We wives don’t show respect if we run to mom or dad and “tell on” our husbands. All we do is cause division. You are right that we stay childlike and lose opportunities to rely on God in our marital difficulties.
If more soon-to-be wives would take to heart the message of Genesis 2:24 and leave behind anyone or anything that could get between them and their husbands, I believe there’d be far fewer divorces. Marriage is hard enough, we don’t need to be compounding it by actions that draw us apart.
Thanks for sharing this glimpse into your early married life and the wisdom that followed.
Beth says
Yes, it’s something that many young wives either aren’t specifically told or they don’t realize the implications, Gleniece. I was one who did not put two and two together in relation to that verse. But now I see it clearly and hope that others do too with my post today. Thank you for stopping by and encouraging me, friend!
Rachel Lee says
Thank you, Beth, for this wonderful post! I can relate to your earlier years of marriage. I used to do the same thing- take all of my complaints about my husband to my mother. It didn’t go over well. The Lord began convicting my heart, through the study of His Word, and I did a 180! Our marriage was all the better for it! Following God’s principal’s for life are for our benefit! That includes marriage! Thank you for sharing your years of wisdom with us in this space. You are a blessing! <3
Beth says
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who did this bad habit, Rachel! 😉 Yes, studying God’s word and understanding this principle are crucial to avoiding this destructive practice. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to speak into it! I only hope it will help some who are unaware of how this is negatively impacting their marriages!
April says
Beth, this is such a needed subject to be shared! Many and especially our young adult generation hasve not heard of Biblical perspectives for marriage. As you’ve pointed out thr “leave and cleave” it is definitely important to learn early on or before marriage #RML linkup 🙂
Beth says
You’re right, April! It’s not something that is taught very often–at least in its practical application for marriage. I hope it gives clarity to those who are doing this–helping them to form a more God-honoring and husband-honoring way to deal with their conflicts in marriage. Thanks for your kind words and support!
Sarah Geringer says
I got caught up in this same painful trap asa young wife, Beth. Through tough lessons, and the help of a counselor, I learned it was much safer (and even more soothing) to take my complaints first to God, then to trusted Christian women friends if I still needed help. This changed my life and helped me feel better about our marriage. So much wisdom here—sharing this!
Beth says
I’m glad you discovered the destructive nature of this practice early on, Sarah! And you’re right about how it can be much more soothing to bring our complaints to God and godly friends who don’t have a “dog in the fight.” They have the objectivity that is so necessary to finding our responsibility in any conflict we have in marriage. Thanks for adding that insight and coming by to encourage, my friend!
Emily | To Unearth says
Such wisdom here! It certainly is tough at times to not talk about conversations or arguments I’ve had with my husband. It’s true that we do it to feel vindicated and comforted. I’ve learned that I’d MUCH rather talk about him to others in a positive, supportive way. There are no positives that come from talking about him behind his back negatively!
Beth says
Thank you, Emily! Yes, I think that vindication and validation is what we are seeking, but we seek it from the wrong person when we turn to our parents against our mates. And I agree about keeping that personal boundary of not talking negatively to others about our spouses. That’s very honorable of you to stick to that, btw! I’m committed to that as well, except when I go at it from a personal perspective with–How can I respond better to my mate?–as my question. That’s where my godly girlfriends and wise mentors have really helped me to unravel what is hard for me to see. Then I’m better able to take responsibility for it with my guy. Thanks for coming by and encouraging me, Emily!
Jana says
I think this is a common issue for newly married couples. It seems to be especially difficult when one or both spouses go straight into marriage from living at home with their parents. When there is even a short season of living independently (even with roommates, but outside of Mom & Dad’s home), the “leaving” has already begun, making the “cleaving” more natural, too. I know this isn’t always practical or the way things work out, but I know it’s one of the reasons I struggled in our early years of marriage. It was a very sudden change to shift from being under my parents’ authority and leadership to the headship of my husband.
Beth says
That’s a great insight, Jana! We truly do need to get our feet wet, so to speak, before heading into marriage. For those, like you and me that went straight from our parent’s nest to making one of our own with our hubbies, it’s at least important to realize this truth. I’m not sure anyone warned me about it or gave me clarity on what leaving and cleaving looks like. Not that I’m complaining about that! Lol! I just want to be one who brings this to the attention of anyone who might be inadvertently practicing this boundary violation. Thank you for joining the conversation, my friend! You’ve blessed us all with your astute observation!
Andrew Budek-Schmeisser says
Great post, Beth. And I love the cloing prayer.
A vow is bright and beautiful,
a pleasure to say, to make,
and nothing is more painful
when it’s something you forsake.
We dream of freely flying
together in God’s sky,
and when we see the vision dying,
we ask of God, “Oh, WHY?”
We want to cling to childhood
and the past’s security
and overlook the good God
gave our life, to set us free.
Remember this, ere houses fall:
loyalty divided is none at all.
Beth says
Thank you, Andrew, for stopping by to encourage me! I can’t take credit for that beautifully worded prayer. That comes from Rachel’s lovely heart and mind. But it truly does encapsulate what we both want the readers to takeaway from this post. There is always hope in the Lord, when we look to Him to redeem the mistakes we’ve made in marriage. And I absolutely love your eloquent poem too! So fitting for today’s emphasis! Thank you for waxing poetic and sharing that gem with us today, my friend!
Laurie says
Great advice, Beth. I think most young couples go through some version of this. I like the point where you wrote about turning your mom into an idol. turning to God (we usually figure out) and an objective outside mentor is the better choice. Thanks for sharing!
Beth says
I agree, Laurie. I think it’s very common among young wives, and sometimes with young husbands. It’s something I wish my parents or pastor (who did premarital counseling with us) would have talked more about. I really didn’t see the negative connection until after it had done some significant damage to my relationships. It would have been nice to avert it. I hope that’s what this post does for those caught in this trap. Thanks for your encouragement, my friend! Have a great weekend!
Nicole Kauffman says
Love this, Beth! Thanks for sharing SO honestly. Powerful story and great reminders for a healthy marriage 🙂 I’m grateful for your wisdom!
Beth says
Thank you, Nicole! It’s kind of easy to share something like this with it so far back in my rearview mirror! 😉 But it’s still one of the most important lessons I learned early on in marriage and I’m happy to share! Thanks for stopping by to encourage, my friend!
Angela Johnson says
Beth, great post! Thank you for opening up about a touchy subject. It is hard to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse, but God makes it worth it. We also have to remember to always stay united with our spouse, even if it means going against our parents. Our marriage will grow even more.
Beth says
Yes, Angela, so true! I think the biggest factor here is learning to unite and remain united with our husbands. It will be (and was for me) tested during parenting conflicts. I learned the hard way on that one too, that it is always best to form a united front. Our spouses should be our priority, next to our primary priority of God. Thanks for joining the conversation and encouraging me, my friend! Happy weekend!
Janine says
This was excellent! You made really good points. I know I need to be reminded, because venting is easy, praising is harder, and it’s easy to take our husbands for granted.
Tiffany Montgomery says
Oh this is so true. Things go wrong anytime we turn to others in that way. The key to breaking this habit for me has been to strengthen my relationship with God. That way I can turn to Him to vent and let Him help me work through things to be calm enough to talk to hubby about them.
Erika Brady says
I like your advice to get the help from a counselor so you can get unbiased support that won’t be emotional about the situation. When choosing one, it might help to go online to find a Christian marriage counselor in your area. This could help you find an experienced professional that understands your beliefs so that they can better understand your situation and how to provide you and your spouse with the help you need.
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